Last Labor Day, I volunteered to help with our states MDA Telethon
activities. I figured that since MDA had done so much for me, I
should try to give something back.
Unfortunately, its been said that the real reason I volunteered
was that I secretly hoped I might be seen on TV and discovered by
either a Hollywood director, a rich person looking for someone wonderful
to give their money to, or a talent scout for Chippendales.
But even though its been said, its not true, and my conscience
should quit saying it. Also, my common sense shouldnt have said I
couldnt be a Chippendale dancer and shouldve just listened to my
happily clueless ego.
Hows My Pizzazz?
After learning that Id volunteered, the local MDA Love Network
station decided that theyd record an interview with my wife, Sharon,
and me, to be aired locally. So it looked as if I was on my way
to being discov to helping MDA.
We told our families we were going to be interviewed on television,
but they all live out-of-state and were disappointed they wouldnt
be able to see me, I mean us, on TV. I told them to relax because
the producer had promised to give us a videotape of the interview,
which theyd be able to watch later.
I was confident that Id be a witty and extremely charming interviewee,
and that Sharon probably wouldnt embarrass me too much. Before
we started she seemed nervous, although I felt totally relaxed,
with lots of pizzazz.
But when they started recording, a huge transformation took place.
Sharon relaxed and came off as a wonderful, loving, caring wife,
while I, the self-confident, soon-to-be star, performed a deer
in the headlights routine.
To put it mildly, my pizzazz fizzled. And a fizzling pizzazz normally
leaves you feeling either pizzizzled or fizzazzled. I felt both.
Is Brad Busy?
After the interview, when I remembered the tape, I went from being
pizzizzled/fizzazzled to being afraid. Very afraid. After all my
bragging, how could I let my family see that I'd retreated into
my happy place when the cameras started to roll? The thought of
my familys reaction gave me a strong desire to go for a relaxing
swim in calm, deep water. And I cant swim.
When I felt at my lowest, I got a reprieve. The producer said hed
have to dub the tape later and mail it to us.
That gave me time to plan the tapes demise without Sharon knowing
I was the one who demised it. She was very happy with her interview,
so I knew she wouldnt knowingly agree to let me destroy the tape.
Id have to be creative to ensure that the tape, or at least my
part on the tape, was never seen by anyone.
My first thought was to ask the producer to dub over my part of the
interview with footage of Brad Pitt or Russell Crowe. Its been said
that I look just like each of them. (Said by my ego, maybe, but it has been said.) I gave up on that idea after my fragile ego
was cruelly overridden by my overactive sense of reality.
I thought about having my address changed at the post office, but
how would I get the fan mail that Ive been expecting for years?
I also considered persuading or bribing the mail carrier to go through
my mail for the next few weeks and pull the tape when it arrived,
but my common sense made a rare appearance and reminded me that
it wasnt worth the risk of going to jail.
Worse, if Sharon found out, I might end up doing harder time than
mere jail time. Or rather when she found out. Id lost all confidence
in my lying ability after the interview fiasco.
Did You Check at Blockbuster?
Its now been a year since the interview. I still havent seen
the tape, and my wife hasnt mentioned it. I probably should just
relax, but instead Im even more paranoid.
Sharon usually gets to the mailbox first. What if she got the tape?
What if she was so unhappy with my performance that she demised the
tape herself?
Or, heaven forbid, what if she was so happy with her performance
that she got the tape first, made copies and sent them to our family
without my knowing about it?
That would sure explain why they snicker every time someone
says television, telephone or any word with tele in it. |
