by David Von Hatten

How do you meet that special someone? The answer eluded me for years, but by continuing to do the things I liked to do, namely mentoring kids with disabilities, I met that someone with similar values to mine. We became great friends and were married last year.

This story will take you through the highlights of our friendship, dating, and our wedding day planned with my disability in mind.

December 18, 1998: The Day We Met

	David and Kathy Von Hatten made minimal alterations at the church for their May wedding.

I met Kathy Hoemeke at an awards banquet for disabled junior athletes. The program, put on by the St. Davids Hospital Wheelchair Fitness Center in Austin, Texas, had just ended and I was moments from leaving when I saw this girl across the room talking to a mutual friend. She wore a pretty gold sweater, faded jeans, and a smile that was warm, sincere and friendly.

I had to meet her, but how?

There were at least two obstacles in my way. First, I was over 30 feet away from her. Second, it seemed more like 30 miles. To my advantage, she was talking to one of my friends. That was my "in."

Like most of my first encounters with women, meeting Kathy was altogether awkward and rife with idle chitchat. Even so, I asked if she was going to volunteer the following year in the hospitals adaptive sports programs. She had done so in the past and was ready to become more involved. Id volunteered on occasion as a mentor to kids and was excited to learn the idea interested her.

I was 35 at the time, an eligible bachelor with a freelance writing business, a silly gift for gab and SMA type 2. She was in her early 30s and had just returned from Aspen, Colo., where shed spent a year working at a childrens day camp and ski lodge after leaving a cushy office job. Back in Austin, Texas, she was settling in and looking for a job in the high-tech industry.

Dating and Thin Mints

It was a month before I saw Kathy again. Fittingly, when I did, she was greeting kids with disabilities at a bowling alley. The adaptive sports program director knew I wanted to talk to her a little birdie told him so he paired us up to work together as volunteers.

We hit it off. By days end, I had the confidence to ask for her phone number, which I wrote on a box of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies purchased at the bowling alley.

We went out a few weeks later and talked about movies, music, the adaptive sports program, her involvement in the Texas Lions Camp for kids with disabilities and more. To my surprise,
Kathy had been around kids and adults with disabilities.

Days later, Kathy asked what would be the beginning of many questions about my disability. To get that out in the open so soon comforted me. I felt accepted immediately, not judged. Without question it took the pressure off and allowed me to be myself.

We continued to volunteer with the adaptive sports program for years. We spent time together, and grew to learn from each other. Days turned into months. Months became years. In that time we also volunteered at Xtreme Sports Camp for kids with disabilities, which is held each year at Camp for All (www.campforall.org), also the location of an MDA summer camp, and a place where we truly connected.

Among her many wonderful qualities, Kathy is a person of great kindness, fairness and compassion, all complemented by an imaginative sense of humor, incredible patience and unfettered optimism. I mention these values and characteristics because they reflect the person I believe I am and strive to be. They also are important, I feel, when one or both members of a couple has a disability. Together we have a sure sense of whats important in life: helping people and having fun in the process.

November 9, 2002: The Proposal

Friends volunteered to build a ramp that would lead the couple to the altar.

The time had come. After many talks, many laughs and even a few tears, the "m" word cropped up: marriage. I thought it peculiar that something Id wanted so badly since I was 30 was still undeniably scary.

After the 2002 Telethon Kathy and I attended an MDA post-Telethon appreciation banquet. It was an evening filled with friends, family and fun. I received a certificate of appreciation and they introduced Kathy as my "girlfriend." At that moment, I knew I wanted her to be my wife. And soon.

I considered proposing to Kathy at an upcoming St. Davids banquet, where wed met four years before. However, I thought it might be more personal and romantic to propose to her at an adaptive sports event scheduled at our special stomping ground, Camp for All. Earlier that year the camp had opened an accessible treehouse that overlooked a wooded ravine and springs. It was the perfect spot to pop the question.

Before she said yes, she said nothing. Her expression was one of joy, disbelief and excitement all at once. She trembled when I put an engagement ring on her finger.

We spent a few minutes taking it all in. Then we rejoined the St. Davids group, spread the news and rode a zip line down a 40-foot tower at the camps rope course.

Planning for the Big Day: May 17, 2003

Wedding planning is a full-time job. With great optimism and excitement, however, we took it one task at a time.

We started by securing a wedding date and a church. Though the altar of the church I attended was accessible, we chose her church, St. Thomas More, because it had an earlier date available, May 17. In Texas, you dont plan summer weddings; its too hot.

There were three steps up to the altar at her church, but I figured if God got me through a marriage proposal without passing out, hed get me up to that altar.

We worked with the churchs wedding coordinator who suggested we either wed at the bottom of the steps or have a ramp built. (If youre planning a wedding and find yourself in a similar situation, remind the church that its advisable to make the building wheelchair-accessible, if not ADA-compliant, so that all parishioners can fully participate in services year-round.)

A group of friends who attend Kathys church volunteered to build a ramp. The steps at the church were measured, lumber purchased for $50, and a ramp constructed in a matter of hours. We elected to make the ramp wide enough to accommodate both of us.

Planning a wedding also meant registering for gifts. This was an opportune time to select everyday dishes, glasses, stemware and appliances that were lightweight for my needs, yet tasteful. In the midst of gift registration, invitation ordering, etc., we concentrated on the service.

Side by Side

	Kathy and David both sat during the ceremony and exchange of vows.

One of the best decisions we made was that Kathy would be seated throughout the 45-minute ceremony. This allowed us to look into each others eyes without my having to tilt my head up for long periods of time. With us seated side by side wed be much more relaxed, especially important when reciting those life-changing wedding vows.

To give Kathys chair a stately and elegant appearance my mother sewed a covering of delicate white eyelet material complete with lace ties to secure it onto the chair. A small bouquet of flowers was attached at the side. No one would ever know it was a choir chair.

The ceremony included a unity candle, a symbol of two becoming one. Typically, the candle is on a stand built for ambulatory people. Because I couldnt comfortably reach the candle to light it, we asked the wedding coordinator for a solution. She resolved the situation by placing the candle on a short table one step below the altar, which made it easily accessible.

Kathy and I also discussed her wedding dress, but only for tactical purposes. I was concerned that if her dress had a full skirt I would accidentally roll over it, and I wanted to avoid any embarrassing incidents. Her dress, which I didnt see until our wedding day, was gorgeous.

While John Gonzalez, the best man, offered a toast, the newlyweds prepared to cut their specially designed wedding cake and grooms cake.

Fortunately we escaped with only one minor scene when I rolled over the edge of her dress just as her parents gave her away. She didnt get very far with my chair on top of her train. We both laughed.

Later I learned that the incident put her at ease. I, however, became nervous and slightly embarrassed by it all. Thank goodness it only happened once. As planned for the end of the wedding, Kathys sister and bridesmaid made sure the wedding dress train stayed clear of my wheelchair tires. Whew!

Another element that we altered included our departure down the aisle at the end of the service. Traditionally, when viewed from the pews, the groom is on the right side, and the bride is on the left. However, since my joystick is on the right side of my chair it made better sense for us to reverse positions so we could hold hands while walking down the aisle.

Dancing Into the Future

	Lessons helped the couple prepare for their first dance, a routine that ended with the bride in her new husbands lap.

In planning our special day, we also considered the reception. Having ample space for our guests in wheelchairs to maneuver in the hall, around tables and in the buffet line was especially important. We also made certain the caterer provided assistance in the buffet line for those who needed it.

As planned, the tiers of our wedding cake were stacked one atop the other instead of using spacers, which makes for a taller cake. The idea here was to avoid my being hidden during the traditional cake cutting.

Not all went as planned, however. The caterer mistakenly used a slightly raised cake stand for our wedding cake, instead of for the grooms cake. Thinking on our feet, so to speak, we simply situated ourselves to one side of the cake and cut it. If you remember nothing else, remember this: If all else fails, eat cake.

Once everyone had enjoyed the orange poppyseed wedding cake and German chocolate grooms cake, it was time for our first dance in front of 200 guests, mind you. Fortunately five weeks before the wedding, Kathy suggested we take some dance lessons at Arthur Murray Dance Studio. While the staff hadnt taught lessons for people in wheelchairs, they were confident we could work something out.

The song we selected was the classic tune "I Could Write A Book," recorded by Harry Connick Jr. and written by Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart. The best part is that its a short piece, which meant wed be off that dance floor in no time.

Our instructor listened to the song and brainstormed with us. Soon she came up with a routine that had us doing twists, turns and spins. While Kathy did the creative footwork of maneuvering around me, I learned to lead her as well as possible while navigating the dance floor.

It wasnt easy at first, but we improved over the course of our four lessons. Without much arm strength, I was in for quite a workout. If my arm became fatigued during the lesson, wed take a break, or Kathy would help me hold it up. With practice we timed our moves according to the lyrics in the song.

The lessons paid off. We pulled it off without a hitch, complete with Kathy sitting on my lap as we rolled off the dance floor.

	The Von Hattens honeymooned on an Alaskan trip before returning to Austin, Texas.

Making our exit from the reception was just as much fun. My best man drove Kathy and me off in our lowered-floor ramp minivan. Two days later we were off on an Alaskan cruise on Princess Cruise Lines the vacation of a lifetime, and the start of a marriage to last a lifetime.